Only if it's more than ten percent of the total

When someone asks you how many people you've slept with, do you include that one time you were raped?

Did you know that shoplifters and murderers end up in the same prison?

Thank you for your interest in my ad

No, I will not email you a picture of the desk I am giving away for free. However, I'd be happy to send you a picture of my cock, or possibly the penis of a large animal, along with a note explaining why this is a stupid question.

Your new movie blows

Bill Maher is one of those rare fucktards with the ability to make you even angrier by agreeing with you.

And he had great abs

I was watching the Passion of the Christ the other day. How does a guy with so much facial hair get his chest so smooth? Did he wax? Are there any helpful tips in the bible? Did he maintain that all the time? Or did he just shave that morning so he would look good for his big day? Does the son of God really need to be good looking?

Useful definitions

"Religion" is science for idiots.

Or...

"Science" is religion for people with poor time management skills. Why waste millions of hours with research when you can get answers to the same questions by reading a single book?

Status updates

You are a self important baffoon, and no one cares how much fun you had last weekend or how crazy work has been lately.

Useful definitions

"People skills" is the ability of a smarter, more capable person to communicate without reminding someone that he is dumb and incompetent.