Only if it's more than ten percent of the total

When someone asks you how many people you've slept with, do you include that one time you were raped?

Did you know that shoplifters and murderers end up in the same prison?

Thank you for your interest in my ad

No, I will not email you a picture of the desk I am giving away for free. However, I'd be happy to send you a picture of my cock, or possibly the penis of a large animal, along with a note explaining why this is a stupid question.

Your new movie blows

Bill Maher is one of those rare fucktards with the ability to make you even angrier by agreeing with you.

And he had great abs

I was watching the Passion of the Christ the other day. How does a guy with so much facial hair get his chest so smooth? Did he wax? Are there any helpful tips in the bible? Did he maintain that all the time? Or did he just shave that morning so he would look good for his big day? Does the son of God really need to be good looking?

Useful definitions

"Religion" is science for idiots.

Or...

"Science" is religion for people with poor time management skills. Why waste millions of hours with research when you can get answers to the same questions by reading a single book?

Status updates

You are a self important baffoon, and no one cares how much fun you had last weekend or how crazy work has been lately.

Useful definitions

"People skills" is the ability of a smarter, more capable person to communicate without reminding someone that he is dumb and incompetent.

A short list of handsome actors with receding hairlines

1. Heath Ledger

2. Jason Statham

3. Leonardo DiCaprio

4. Seann William Scott

5. Owen Wilson

6. Ashton Kutcher

7. Luke Wilson

Hierarchy of drinking

1. I'm still good if anyone needs a ride

2. you should probably take my keys

3. I think I just threw up a nickel I swallowed when I was eleven

4. I am afraid that I am going to die

5. I am afraid that I am not going to die

6.

An entirely hypothetical question

Am I gay if I only have gay sex when I'm drunk? Because I've had really drunk, really fat sex, and I know I'm not into that.

Instead of working

I spent the better part of Friday convincing everyone at work that one of my coworkers was a child star back home in Asia.

As always, the key to the successful lie is the details. In this case: his stage name (Jerome Suarez) and the show (the Filipino version of Small Wonder).

$300 + utilities

I'm sorry, we're only considering renting that room to people we've met in person. However, we are in no hurry to fill the room and would be happy to consider as a roommate the young, sexy, open-minded female whom you describe yourself to be. As soon as you get back from London, where I totally believe you are, feel free to shoot me an email.

I've also attached a picture of myself to this email, since I don't see anything out of the ordinary with a prospective renter requesting a photo of myself. And I will be looking forward to receiving a few pics of you, an offer that I consider equally not out of the ordinary.

I'm a little confused

Are Goths supposed to be from the past, or the future? They can't seem to decide if they want to dress like Trinity or Lestat.

My friend has this problem

When I cough up blood, is that internal bleeding, or just regular bleeding?